What I learned about consent using dating apps
I am a year and a few months in now in the personal healing process of actually realizing I was raped by someone I met on a dating app and I will never use another app again.
I am not going to name them in this article. This is not about them whatsoever. And frankly, I’m afraid I won’t be believed if I name them as they have stated they have lied before.
I was raped after Thanksgiving week of 2019. I was invited to their home. I had homework I had to do and I did not want to go. They suggested I do homework at their place.
So I went with the intention of doing my homework. My graduate program used Latte at the time and my professor had extended the due date for another week. So I happily stated this and closed my computer.
We watched a film they picked because they didn’t like documentaries and I really liked documentaries so I just let them pick a film. I remember them saying “we will not be watching this film for the rest of the night anyway”.
I was not sure what that meant but I should have asked what they meant by that, because I immediately thought they just wanted to kiss. Unfortunately looking back at this I also wanted to kiss them.
So we kissed. I remember I got on top of them and humped them clearly enjoying this moment and how it felt. Then they started to lift sweater. They put their hands under the top of my pants and started to pull it down.
I grabbed their hands and stopped. I wish I had never gotten on top of them without their consent. That shit was fucked up on my part. And to this day I wish I had stayed home and done my homework.
I noticed they had removed their shirt and I just shook my head. I did not, want to sleep with them that night. They then grabbed my hand and told me to follow them to their room as they legit grabbed my arm and led me to their room.
I was confused and didn’t pull back. They told me to sit down on their bed. I did. They then proceeded to take off their clothes. I kept shaking my head to indicate that I clearly am not ready and am not interested. And then I remember laying down on my back.
My clothes were still on. They then grabbed my pants. I immediately grabbed my pants and started to ramble. Stating “maybe we should wait” and showing clear signs of discomfort.
They then told me to “ [insert my deadname] shut up”. I was shocked and froze then let them take off my clothes. They pulled down my pants. Then my sweater. I had never had sex or kissed anyone before I met this person. They just told me to shut up when I grabbed my pants.
Before they wanted to do more things to me without my consent I told them to turn off the lights. At the time I had body dysmorphia. Still do. On top of gender dysmorphia. They did not know that. This was the second time I had talked to them in person. They legit barely knew about me.
I had a difficult time understanding that I was actually trans until 2020. 2019 I was working at a transphobic work place with a supervisor who was transphobic. So I just kept the drag stuff to myself and the identifying as nonbinary to myself.
So I just told them to turn off the lights. I was really uncomfortable. But I let them do things to me because I thought this is what one is supposed to do when they have sex. Then I ate them out thinking that since they did that to me I might as well.
Looking back at this I remember them asking me how I felt after having this interaction with them. I stated I didn’t know how to feel. They told me yes I do know how to feel. To be honest, I did not want to tell them I felt nothing and wanted to go home.
I told them I didn’t feel like I was there. I felt like I was somewhere else. Talking to my family about this months later and looking at YouTube vides on this, I was told this sounded like dissociation. So I was dissociating in this interaction.
At the time, I just thought this just seemed too out of this world to be real. Now I know this person should have asked me if I wanted to have sex. Have I ever had sex before? Am I comfortable? They should have listened to my “maybe we should wait” response and see it as a “no, I do not want to have sex”.
I now know this person never respected me that night and just wanted some one to fuck and use to their own amusement. Because if they cared enough about me they would have listened me and observed the way I pulled their hands away and pulled my pants up.
The way I felt uncomfortable showing my body to them. They would have known to not rape someone who grabs their pants when someone wants to pull it down. Or someone who can’t even have been physically intimate with them with the lights on because they feel uncomfortable showing themselves to them.
It took me 8 months from November 2019 to June 2020 to realize that this person raped me. That I was in fact raped and self harming in January was a response to that, that made sense. I have depression and I have self harmed before.
A few months after I quite my highly stressful job and moved out of state. I didn’t want to go back to my homophobic parents but I did anyway. I then stayed there for the rest of 2020. My depression got worst over time but since the pandemic was starting and I did not want to be in my old job I just wanted to leave the state.
By that time, I was now in the same state as the person who raped me that night. I knew they were a teacher so they probably were not going to be back in the same state as me until July 2020. So I started to look for jobs to move out of the state. I wanted to move out the state so I could avoid them.
I started to develop fear of going outside because I did not want to bump into them. I simply did not want to see them every again in my life. I still want to leave the state to this day and hopefully not bump into them.
When I tried dating other people soon after wards I decided to give up. I had difficulties dating and decided it was best to delete all my dating apps and never use them again. I then confronted them.
Confronting this person again in November 2020 via Facebook chat was supposed to help. I didn’t know just how emotionally distraught this made me until they mentioned how they enjoyed it via Facebook chat and I immediately started crying and my skin started to crawl.
Like I really had someone who I met on Facebook recently, because I have been trying to move out of my homophobic home since July 2020, who just wanted to hang out with me. I immediately thought they wanted something more and probably saw me as a sexual object.
I have started to look into protective gear that I could use next time someone tries to rape me. I want to buy tasers and pepper spray just in case this or anything that is worst than this happens again. I no longer want to be with people for sex. I can do that to myself. I just want to be loved and respected.
I also think coming into my true identity this year with my actual name rather than my given name, and my gender reveal, rather than an assigned gender made it seem like they raped an old friend of mine who has my dead name. It just made it easier to deal with because they didn’t rape me. They raped them.
Talking to a friend of mine about them last December helped as she gave me tips on this and helped me realize it’s not healthy to look at it that way. I am still trying to find therapy for this but since I am over 10 months unemployed and am unable to move out of the state I am typing this up here. That being said consent flies out the window when using dating apps.
I hope this person who is an educator takes the message of consent I sent them in November seriously and never harms someone else like that again. People are not blow up dolls you can use on a whim. People are people, with emotions and human bodies.
You can just buy blow up dolls if you wanna treat people like that. The whole telling me to shut up shit when I clearly am grabbing my pants did not have to live in my memory for the entirety of this pandemic and if you ever read this I hope you do not repeat that shit again!!